1. The next time someone tells you they've given you sage advice, see if you can understand it first.
"Champions take chances, and pressure is a privilege," Billie Jean "Yoda" King allegedly texted to Maria Sharapova before her final match on Saturday (our world).
Um ... what? What the hell does that mean? And what would it mean to someone like Sharapova who bludgeons every ball anyway? There is no game plan, Yoda. And if pressure were really a privilege, then folks would double-fault all over the place just to get to 0-40. Anyway, credit where it's due to Sharapova. I guess it was just the shoulder all along, huh?
2. What's the deal with Sharapova's mother? Why can't she go watch her kid win a Grand Slam? Manicure appointment? It's not like she'd have to sit with Ricky-Yuri, for crikey's sake.
3. To the Bondarenko sisters: There's this new innovation in women's clothing. It's called a bra.
4. Congrats to Novak Djokovic for winning his first Grand Slam -- and for doing it without the theatrics. One manly tumble to the ground, a wave, and there you go. Of course, if Roger Federer has a drought now of, like, two majors without winning, he might truly feel the need to embrace his inner drama queen.
5. Congrats to Jo-Jo Tsonga for making his first Grand Slam final --and for playing it well. See, if an unseeded player made a women's Grand Slam final (ahem, Marion Bartoli) it wouldn't be competitive at all. Then again, it's hard to find a competitive women's final anywhere these days.
6. You go, Tennis Channel! Landing Martina Navratilova as a commentator is a huge coup for you guys. Now, here's the second part: Don't allow anyone else to speak on air besides Martina Navratilova, except maybe Justin Gimelstob. I think it's fair to tell you, TC, that I used my mute button liberally over the past two weeks.
7. It sucks that you have to wait four months for another Slam. Move the Aussie Open, dammit. That's four months of longingly watching racquetball on the Tennis Channel in the fetal position, remembering the good days.