Therapy with TWA: The Opponent

Sometimes, after a tennis match, I’m approached by opponents or match observers who tell me that they liked my serve, my groundstrokes, my defense, whatever worked that day. And for most of my nearly 20 (!) on court, I have poo-pooed those compliments, even taken the opportunity to point out my flaws. I’ve thought that my tendency to do this was due to this voice in my head that said that I wasn’t very good and that any good shots were a result of luck. Recently, I came to realize that that voice didn't originate in my head, but it was nestled there, pretty deeply. 

That voice came from someone who has been saying for years that there’s something not quite right with my forehand, that my second serve is weak and no different from my first, that I don’t have enough topspin on my groundstrokes. I believed these things about myself despite all the evidence otherwise -- regularly having to restring my racquets because of all the topspin I was hitting, what others said about my game and winning matches (sometimes). That commentary from that person – a real person – has been running on background loop in my brain ever since I started playing tennis and it’s part of the reason I can’t take a compliment. I thought, for years, that there was something not quite right about me -- on the court and off. 

This person wanted me to be a carbon copy of him and if I wasn't doing it his way, then it wasn't right. I was deemed unteachable -- because I'd rather not be told what to do after every. single. point. He'd give me lessons and stopped because I questioned some aspect of the practices we did -- I was branded "uncoachable" and he actually told other people this, while I was playing. I could hear him on the sidelines, mocking my groundstrokes, my net game. Once, I played a match against this person's doubles partner and after I lost, he virtually ignored me at court side, ran to her to tell her how great she was, and spirited her away. I left the court alone and humiliated. It has taken years to acknowledge that first of all, that hurt, and second, that this person wasn't always right -- and he wasn't right about me. 

It’s going to take a long time to silence that voice because even though I’m removing that person from an active role in my life, I have actually believed these things. So now I have to unlearn them and that's not going to be easy. A few of weeks ago, I played in a round-robin event with 11 other women, and when one told me I was a strong player, the criticism from myself about myself came out so quickly that it didn't make sense. It was embarrassing.

So anyway, I have been trying to teach myself to believe in my abilities and that came in really handy in a recent match. Anyway, our opponents started slowly and we started fast. I had my kids with me and after the first set, I was optimistic that I'd have them home pretty quickly. You know what happens when you start looking ahead. Of course, the second set was a dogfight and for a stretch there, no one could hold their serve game. 

There was a point where I'd made a really dumb unforced error at a key stretch of the game. I was about to fall into the you never win the close ones mindset when another thought planted itself: You can stop doing stupid things right now at this very moment. You can do that anytime you want. I admit, I took myself aback here. Whoever this was sounded very smart and someone I should get to know. And she calmed me down, even as we advanced to a tiebreak. And I found myself standing at the baseline, serving for the set, which is never a situation I like to find myself in, especially because I think I might have hit somewhere around 10 double faults that night. But I stepped up and hit two solid serves to win the match. It only took about two hours! 

Why am I saying this. Sometimes, as a writer, if you don't tell the truth at top of mind, you become unable to say anything else. Also, this is a tennis blog. The head game is approximately 92.54233 percent of tennis and if your mental game is off, well, so goes everything else. In addition to that, something tells me that I'm not the only person who's had someone in their lives who spews negative toxins with no regard of where it lands. I'm here to tell you that you are really good at what you do. People who take the time to attempt to dismantle you do so because it's easier than taking out their own garbage. Just remember that.

The other thing is that removing this person from my life has sort of taken the priority right now, so my dress project is in a box somewhere, and I don't know where that box is yet. I'm settled enough to watch tennis clips on YouTube and still trying to decide if I think Pandemic Slams are a good idea. I'll probably have a better idea of that by this weekend, when I'll post my picks (assuming the tournament happens). 

So, uh, rather belatedly, Happy New Year!