So I'm watching the first round of tennis at the U.S. Open on TV and there are these spectators are positively yelling at this poor player, telling her where to serve and where to stand. What in the world. Where do these men, who are unshaved and sipping out of a cup they paid $20 for, get off? It's the U.S. Open, so even though it's early afternoon, you have to at first assume that this is some drunken spectator. (It is New York.) But it's the player's coach. He's just yelling like a maniac. The Open is testing out an on-court coaching system. Why? I ... yeah, I don't know. But I think it's because tennis has a super-low self-esteem issue. Is there another sport that works so diligently to attract people who will never be interested in it? I can't think of one. When I was a kid, my dad watched baseball games that lasted for days, I think. Nine innings?! No one scoring?!!??? TF? To this day, baseball hasn't timed their games to fit my schedule. Where was I during these games. Playing Super Mario. Because why?
Hockey. I don't understand hockey. They understand that not everyone is in. Oh well.
Football and soccer. What is off-sides? Never mind; I've already checked out.
Golf takes all day. The only real concession golf has made in 300 years of history (an estimation) is to allow us normal people to just play nine holes instead of 18. If it doesn't have Tiger Woods, they are playing 18 holes. You're either in, or you're watching Netflix. Golf is OK with this.
But boy, tennis. One thing tennis will do is try to change to fit the relationship. It won't work, but I feel like tennis must be a Virgo. It's happening, dammit. One way or another.
Seriously, the lack of self-esteem is staggering.
Every sport has its thing. The thing that sets it apart from others. Tennis has (had) that too.
Tennis has best-of-five sets for mens matches. These matches can take 40 minutes (a Nick Kyrgios marathon) or five hours. And you are either in or you are out. Or, if you are tennis powers that be, you are shortening doubles matches and taking away ad points as if they are playing in your local USTA tournament. Some people are happy to spend five hours watching baseball and some are happy passing the same time watching tennis. They call those people fans. In singles, all Slams now play a tiebreak if the fifth set gets to 6-all. I don't like this. I get it. But again, I ask myself: What other sports contort themselves to give fans what they are not asking for? The players don't ask for this stuff!
And now the coaching from the expensive seats. I'm not even sure what they think this will achieve. But it, like most rules in tennis, is already not being consistently enforced. The players allegedly can only receive guidance while they are on the same side with their team. So why did I watch Nick Kyrgios violate that, and several other rules (swearing, busting racquets), last night, without much of a peep from the chair.
Can I tell you why I like to play tennis? I like tennis because I don't like people yelling at me while I'm trying to do something. That's why I left journalism.
One time, I got into an argument during a tournament because I was calling work to tell them I was going to be late because I had to finish kicking my opponent's butt in a tournament. It was a Saturday, so my boss was cool with it, but my opponent turned out to be a teenager. Her dad was watching and wanted me defaulted -- "What if she's calling her coach?" I'm in journalism, dude. Do you know what I'm paid? Less than anyone in this tournament, trust.
But anyway. Another reason I like tennis is because it's roughly 99.98342128 percent mental. You can spend hours on court working on your shots, but in a tight moment, you can also melt down mentally and all that practice means nothing. That's horrible if you've ever experienced a mental collapse despite feeling like you were the better player. It's horrible, but man, it propels you. You are back on those courts the next damn day. Determined that it'll never happen to you again. (And it won't. Not like that. If your serve lets you down the first time, it'll be your volley the next. And you run straight to the practice court with a pro, or you book the ball machine. Because that won't happen to you again. And it won't. Not like that. Next, it'll be your footwork.)
It's occurring to me now that I like tennis because it's something I can do.
Tennis is like a puzzle. Not everyone likes puzzles. They can be tedious, take forever, require intense concentration. If you were a puzzle fan and opened a puzzle box to find it already assembled, you would be disappointed. If you were a tennis fan and you came to watch your fave play, only to learn that they are an automaton who only knows how to win if someone is telling them what to do, you would be disappointed. You want to see the sausage being made, not the thing fully formed, untested.
Look, I know what tennis is doing. It knows that they casual observer is here for Serena Williams' farewell tour and hoping they stay for the second match on Ashe. Next year, they'll do Roger. And in a few more years, they'll do Venus (and I will be truly be leveled on that day). The casual hookup folks are not staying. I promise. My socials light up with tennis mentions when the big names make a run and then those people don't care about tennis ever again. Like if Mike Tyson decided he was going to box again, I'd watch it. And that's all the boxing I'd watch until the next time Tyson decided to fight again. Boxing is not my thing, and frankly nothing that relies on arbitrary opinions of "judges" I don't know who use methods of scoring that eludes the public, is not going to do it for me. Looking at you, figure skating. Every four years.
But anyway, they're not coming back. I'm OK with this. I get a little snippy about the bandwagon being crowded, but whatever.
Tennis is not OK with this. It tries so hard. THEY ARE NOT COMING. AND IT IS OK. Maybe give those of us who have been watching tennis for certified decades a thought. If I watch a Slam in which a player is being directed to their first major win by their coach on every other changeover, I will lose it. Let's not even go there about the lack of diversity in coaches. Let's also not even consider the fact that not everyone can afford a coach and one who can gets a huge advantage because they can feed their player stats in the moment, straight off ESPN. That isn't fair.
Tennis is tennis. Let it be. Let players figure it out on their own. I have two kids. When my kids figure out something on their own, the light that comes into their eyes? You can't replicate it. When I figure out about 40 minutes into a match that my opponent has trouble moving side-to-side? You cannot replicate that light-bulb moment. It changes everything.
As a fan, watching players win on the biggest world stages because someone is telling them how to win is like unveiling the Wizard of Oz.
I don't make the rules. Obviously not. Because if I did, rule No. 1 would be to stop tinkering tennis for people who don't care about tennis. They're definitely not doing it for the people who do.
Rule No. 2 would be Rafa Nadal's ass, especially after he's played a set and his shorts are all clinging to it. In as many places as possible.
But I don't make the rules.
