My First Fed Cup Tie, in Pictures (Some of Which are Moving)

After playing a lackluster league match to start my Saturday, I wasn't really jacked about driving an hour up the highway and shelling out $50 to watch a Fed Cup tie. But honestly, in the middle of Florida, it's not likely we're getting pro tennis much closer than this, so I got my sweaty self in the car and drove to Saddlebrook Resort to watch the U.S. face off against the Czech Republic.
Verdict: I wish the ITF would figure out how to pimp out the Davis and Fed cups properly because even stateside, there was a lot of energy and excitement that I thought only existed in Spain and Argentina. So, without further adue, a photo tour of my first Fed Cup tie:

I was pretty perturbed about paying $15 for parking until someone handed me a free ticket to the matches. Still, $15 to leave my car somewhere? It's not running or anything ...

  

I showed up at the beginning of the second set. I had to wait to go to my seat until the first changeover at 2-1. Not bad, but the kid next to me was starting to annoy me a little. We all want to get to our seats, Johnny!




In case you couldn't see that, Coco Vandeweghe, who was playing against Marketa Vondrousova, lost the point. I was sitting in the American section, where everyone was rooting for the Americans. Except one guy ...

This one. He was loudly rooting for the Czechs, cheering in a different language. Whenever he did that and someone would look at him, he would return the stare as if to say, "You got a problem, kid? I'll solve it!" I thought this guy really won the section.

My panoramic game is weak.



I'm still not the biggest Coco fan, but still wouldn't want to encounter that game late at night on a street corner.



Apparently, I had missed the part when Coco busted her racquet and hit herself with the flying pieces. But, hey, no fine! Also, that's Martina Navratilova.



Here's on thing I couldn't quite figure out. We got a four-piece band out here making noise and piped in music from the speakers? Why not let the crowd music create some energy? By itself?? This is an American thing, isn't it. Oh, and ALSO. These musicians think they're slick. Several times, while the Czech players were about to hit second serves, one of them would "accidentally" hit their drum, producing just enough sound for everyone to hear. Once, the umpire looked directly at them and told them to stop. Come on, dudes. That's lame.

This American camouflage vomit design has got to stop. Just no

Didn't take too many pix of poor Shelby Rogers, who lost so quickly and with so little pushback that I ended up taking more photos and videos of what was happening in the stands while she was playing. Next time, Shelb. Next time.

Quick hits

OK, tennis news was a bit heavy this weekend and there's some things that didn't quite get addressed that we should probably discuss at least briefly:

1. You have got to be kidding me with this Maria Sharapova offensive. I mean, what. WHAT. I have never seen a person take a drug ban and demonstrably deserving of this ban, and yet be so defensive about criticism. I'm talking about Sharapova's agent coming out and insulting the careers of Caroline Wozniacki and Agz Radwanska because they had the nerve to suggest that wild cards should not be reserved for drug ban recipients. WHICH IS A FAIR POINT, by the way. I didn't mean to shout. But between Sharapova saying stupid stuff like this:

... and Max Eisenbud following up with petty nonsense like this:

... and then when you consider that the original ITF report on the ban had suspicious passages such as this:

you wonder what the strategy is here. It's already pretty clear that not everyone on tour is not that stoked about her coming back and ... then you go scorched earth? I sure hope Sharapova's game is going to back up all of this talk. Her comeback is this week at Stuttgart and her first round match is against Roberta Vinci.
(Quick aside regarding Eisenbud's comment about paragraphs 100 and 101, which are:

Here's paragraph 97b, which is also kind of interesting and one that Eisenbud should address as well perhaps:

So I don't understand how both these segments are in the same decision to grant Sharapova a reduced ban time. But hey, whatever, right?)

Anyway, I do believe Sharapova's return is good for women's tennis in terms of visibility, but I really wish she hadn't jumped the line this way by taking a wild card in a tournament that's started before her ban is completed. It's going to rightfully leave a bad taste in the mouths of a lot of fans.

2. While I was at the U.S. Fed Cup over the weekend, I noted some comments about Rafael Nadal, David Goffin and poor sportsmanship accusations about my man Rafa. I have investigated these charges, which are based on this point:



Obviously, umpire Cedric Mourier made a really bad mistake. It's these types of mistakes that make you think it might actually be time to bring the Shot Spot to clay courts, too, because now we can see that a mark can lie. But it's kind of hard to put this one on Nadal's shoulders. Sure, he looked like he was OK with the 'out' call, but is it on Nadal, from the other side of the court, to reverse a call? If the umpire has come down to inspect a mark, you'd think he knows how to do his job. I know there have been times I've hit a shot and thought it was long, only for my opponents to say it was right on the line. It happens. With the type of spin Nadal hits, it probably happens to him more than most. It would be one thing if Nadal was at the net and could see the shot a bit better. Otherwise, let's leave this one square at the feet of Mourier. Which, by the way, was exactly what Goffin did.

3. Ilie Nastase is a mentally depraved old man and even before this weekend's Fed Cup tie, this should have been noted and handled before. He warmed up on his weekend path of suckitude by speculating on the color Serena Williams' baby might have. (I wish I could see the way this question was posed to him, because I would almost bet the questioner knew he'd say something crazy.)
I don't want to waste too much more time on him. But let's just leave it here: He's very bad for tennis. Well, OK. Let me allow Great Britain coach Anne Keothavong to respond to Nastase's weak attempt at an apology by giving flowers to the entire team (God, did really have to go the full 1960s-stereotypical route?):

Slay! RT @EleanorcrooksPA: Keothavong loving her flowers from Nastase pic.twitter.com/n5nzF05Mch

— Adrin🏒 (@Chalk_Flew_Up) April 23, 2017

Two Months Pregnant Is a Lot Pregnant, OK?

Well, I had to do an extra post this week because Serena Williams won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. I still remember where I was (a couple days ago) when my sister texted me to say that the new World No. 1 (again) was pregnant. I'm not a math person, but when I realized this was April and she was 20 weeks in, I couldn't get much further in my brain. Fortunately, neither could the Internet.

I'm old enough to remember when we thought Serena was on shaky ground because she lost to Madison Brengle before the Open started. Remember that?

OK, that looks like my blog font. I guess just "me." But, OK, I was right! In a way. Kinda.
After I got over my shock, some people noted that Serena was only a couple months in when she won Australia. "Only." OK. When I was eight-ish weeks pregnant, things were not going well. I literally hid a bottle of my husband's foot lotion because the smell was killing me. Same with cigarette smoke. I subsisted on crackers and antacids. Also water. In case anyone wants to act like being first-trimester pregnant is no big deal, let's talk about what that means. This is about the time your body realizes there is an alien in it and it begins to rebel. I was scheduled to play a league match in my first trimester once. I don't bail out of league matches. I had a small problem, though. I couldn't get out of bed because my body wasn't handling its new friend very well and I bailed out of it. Then I stayed in bed from Friday afternoon to Monday morning. There were days I couldn't even go to work -- and all I was doing at work was sitting in a chair!
I'm just saying that Serena Williams having two weeks where she could go play pro-level tennis while she was pregnant is extraordinary. But we got think pieces about how pregnancy will affect her.

These are some of the dumbest sentences I've ever read, and I say that with the full recognition that Donald Trump is the president of the United States.
Couple quick tips for handling Serena being pregnant:
1. If you are a man, put your damned pen down. Just stop. Women, stop asking men to be your source:

This story's main source -- man. Of course.

2. Serena Williams won the Australian Open pregnant and we're talking about what motherhood is going to do to her competitive drive. I'm gonna go ahead and wager it's (a) none of your business and (b) BREAKING: Many women have babies and then go back to slay on the job. Many women decide to dedicate their time and energy to their new families. So just stop.
3. Can we stop talking about Serena like she's Tiger Woods, and her career got derailed by her man beating her down on the street because she had several hundred girlfriends?
OK, Naf, you're trimming the reactions everyone can have, right? Right. Here's the angle we want to pursue. Serena Williams won a Grand Slam when all type of chaos was going on in her body and that is awesome. Now just think of an appropriate shower gift. (Diapers are always good.)

Sometimes, I think Jim Courier doesn't want to be Davis Cup captain.

Yes, Davis Cup was a bit ago, but I refuse to address it in a timely manner on account of that I hate the format. So there.
But I was a bit curious about how it is that the U.S. took such a lopsided loss, so I started watching the matches I had recorded. I though I could try to figure out how some guy ranked 79th in the world beat Jack Sock, who has been playing well as of late. Is Thompson the new hot Aussie talent?
I'm not going to say all of that. But I did notice something about the weekend that made me wonder if Jim Courier had to be compelled by force to take this Davis Cup captain job.
I'm just going to say the following, and then offer video evidence to support my thoughts: OK. You're in Australia and it's Davis Cup. You're not in America for Davis Cup, so the crowd is jacked. Their faces are painted. They're screaming at the top of their lungs. And, you, as the opposition captain, is like:

This isn't a random snapshot. Here is the thing. Davis Cup is the one event where it's OK for the captain to coach the player, and it's the only time I'm cool with that, because it happens for Fed Cup, too. But the really fun thing about it is that the captain isn't really coaching per se. He (or she, Conchita) is a cheerleader. When you're on the road, you're that friendly face that isn't painted yellow and green for your player. You're the energy! You're

Did you know that Jim Courier once just started reading a book during changeovers during a match he was playing? Doesn't that seem like something someone would do if they weren't really into the match? Speaking of not being into a match, here's Courier and Isner during a changeover on day one of the tie:

I deliberately muted the volume because really you don't need it.
I'm not really saying Courier is a poor coach. It might just be that he's not a team coach guy. He probably could drop some serious knowledge on a player one-on-one. Kind of like a Lindsay Davenport. And maybe the only reason this yoga-styled coaching stands out is because of who he was coaching against: Lleyton "C'mon Rock!" Hewitt, who probably pumps himself up just to go to sleep at night. Here he is coaching young Thompson, who has just placed match favorite Sock onto the ropes:

Here is Courier after Sock pulls to 5-5 in the third set against Thompson:

He looks like someone has issued a dire threat against his family pet! What is up with this reaction?!! Here is Hewitt coaching Kyrgios.

After Kyrios won the first set on a drop shot winner, and in the presence of Hewitt, he did this:

He's ... smiling. This guy just gave an interview last fall saying he'd rather be playing basketball and Pokemon Go.
And we got a coach with this going on:

I gotta say, he sets the phrase "hands-off" into a whole new stratosphere in terms of definition.

Federer v. Nadal ... and Nicky Kyrgios

So I was watching the Roger Federer/Rafa Nadal Miami Open final and was struck by two details:

1. Damned if Federer's new backhand doesn't look just like Ivan Ljubicic's old one.
2. Federer is the best sports story of 2017 so far.

Yeah, I know the NCAA final was just played. Nothing really new with Cheatin' North Carolina walking away with all the glory again. OK, I'd throw the UConn women's basketball team upset in there as a contender, but here's what the Federer story has right now that makes it unlike no other -- Nadal.

via GIPHY

We're talking about two legends of the game who came up together and were both overtaken at the same time and are now meeting again in big-money finals, despite their lower seeding. Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic are the ones struggling with injury and the veterans are doing the heavy lifting, despite Roger's poor back.
Their matchups now don't seem to carry the same tension, because Federer is just thumping Nadal right now. With his new backhand, he's taken away the linchpin of Nadal's strategy against him, and although Nadal presented a much tougher challenge than he did in the Australian Open final, it wasn't enough. Well, Federer's changed a component of his game. Perhaps it's time Nadal did the same thing. What is that thing he needs to do? He's gotta stop playing from the first row of the spectator seats. Yes, he's fast and can do ridiculous things on defense, but now that he can't depend on Fed's backhand to attack, he needs to focus on taking time away from Federer by playing closer to the baseline. With the clay season coming up, yeah, he'll be fine so far back, but if he's really going to push to stay with Federer, he's going to need to lean in. Like, a lot.
Having said all of that, it's time to also give it up for Nick Kyrgios. He is just going to be the John McEnroe of our time. It's going to be hard to watch his antics sometimes and he's going to have to pay some fines, maybe even get suspended again. Kyrgios likes to say he'd rather be playing basketball, but one of two things his semifinal against Federer showed us is that's not altogether true. He cared about winning that particular match. And I get the vitriol against him, but the crowd, if nothing else, should have been able to appreciate the tennis they saw -- it might have been the best men's match of the year. Yes, it's April.